the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
