I need help removing her.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
