ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
