i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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