I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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