All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
