oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
