Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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