My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
