There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
