Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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