how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
