If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
