Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
