Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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