remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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