omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
