I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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