On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
