I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
