my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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