just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
