Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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