My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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