im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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