I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
