The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
