They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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