I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
