i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
