i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think your dad took our porno
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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