like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
