Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
