How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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