guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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