The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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