Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
