I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
