What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
