Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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