If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
