You made me cry and you don't even care
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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