so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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