My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
