I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
