I am puke
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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