I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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