I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
