apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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