JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
